The moment captured in this photograph represented for me the possibility of being happy, even though I wasn't aware of it when it happened - the possibility of feeling joy that doesn't come through the lens of the external world. Yes, it came through the shock of the cold, absolutely brutal, because that's what I needed at the time - to shock my entire being, to shake off all the noise inside me to have a few moments of access to this state of well-being, undefined and uninfluenced by anyone.
It's pleasant and liberating to be emotionally independent, something that was entirely foreign to me until this moment. The photograph captures exactly that - the possibility, a step on a long journey that began with my first breath. I feel fortunate to be able to say now that I haven't experienced trauma - although for years I "prided" myself on that - just unfavorable circumstances. I don't believe that those around me intended it; after all, they too are the sum of their own experiences, and they were somewhere along their own path.
Recently, I realized that identifying with my many emotions is the icing on the cake of self-sabotage. I surrendered all my power, letting them take control, identifying as the victim. It was much easier for me to pity myself than to take action.
I intend to stop playing that role, although that doesn't mean that part of me has completely disappeared. It exists, it's part of my past - sometimes even my present, but with different consequences - and I accept it; perhaps without it, I wouldn't have made it here.
I also can't disregard the importance of the people with whom I share my life, time, and energy. They have the ability to amplify the resources that already exist within me - and they have done so. However, in the absence of the key element - my non-identification with the emotions I felt - it couldn't be enough. I'm not only referring to those present now but also to those with whom I shared moments or episodes of life. I thank them for their patience, trust, and love. I wish to return them by serving you consciously.
Thank you, you all know who you are. I love you.
My name is Iarina. I am human, a woman, a mother, a life partner, always seeking to make connections and express myself. This is my story - a mix of the past, present, and future. It begins to be sketched through writing here. My hope is that it will serve you, potential readers, in some small (or large) way . I have always liked stories of all kinds - those who know me know that I like to talk a lot, but recently discovered I find great value in listening.
Feel free to start a conversation, as long as it serves everyone, as long as it comes from curiosity and not to validate or invalidate an idea. Also, a discussion's value lies in the contribution of the participants. These principles have become dear to me following some significant encounters I've had exploring self-directed education in recent years. I've never known what a "safe space" looks like or feels like to reveal myself, and I hope this blog will become one for myself and others.
Welcome, I hope you stay.
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